Chapter 1
An October breeze created marionettes from fallen maple leaves, skirling beneath the large tree, which bore sequins of red and gold within its green. Below the overhang of its branches rested a small yellow-painted apartment. The breeze twisted strands of copper hair, fugitives from her hasty knot, across Lauren's face. She brushed them aside before ringing the doorbell.
With only an ad and impersonal text messages to guide her, Lauren knew no more of the landlord than a name, Fujita. She masked her surprise when the door was opened by a young woman. Dark, slightly upturned eyes observed her. Straight black hair grazed the shoulders of her red tee. Her face was narrow, with a sharply-pointed chin. The tee hinted at small breasts, and held an image of a fox playing a video game. Faded jeans clung tightly to slender legs, meeting bright pink knit socks.
There was something about the woman's eyes that gave her pause. She couldn't decide what it was. It seemed out of keeping with the attractive woman's quite jolly presentation.
"Ms. Graham?" the woman asked. Lauren hadn't realized how distracted she'd been by the woman's appearance. "I'm Mika. Mika Fujita. I'm pleased to make your acquaintance."
Lauren offered her hand, which the woman accepted with a gentle squeeze, her palm dry. She gave her a nod. She'd introduced herself first by her given name, so she did the same. "Lauren."
Mika's returned nod as she released her hand seemed to form a small bow. She stepped aside for Lauren to enter.
"I hope I made it clear that I'm not looking for myself," Lauren said, as she moved past the woman into a room that was surprisingly large, extending to windows and French doors on the far side of the apartment. Daylight at both ends of the room gave it an airy feel. "Oh, this is nice," she said.
"You're acting for your friend Mandy," Mika responded. "I hope that she will be pleased."
"Would it be okay if I take photos to send to her?" Lauren asked.
"Of course," replied the landlord, with a smile.
The French doors looked out over a large grassy yard. The main house, painted in a yellow matching the apartment, was a good distance away. In the center was a circular table with a verdigris finish. Closer to the house, a tiered bird bath fountain sparkled. The flower beds were well-tended, with small bushes, pale gold chrysanthemums, and flowers Lauren couldn't identify in shades of mauve. On the far side of the yard from the fountain, water trickled from a bamboo frame into a wooden tub.
"If it wasn't so painful to move, I think I'd want this for myself," Lauren said.
"You live nearby?" Mika asked.
"Yes, I have a small house," Lauren replied. "I mean, it's not bad, but it has no character. I think Mandy will love this place."
"She is a friend?" Mika asked. "Or a client, perhaps?"
"Friend," Lauren offered. "I've known her since high school. She was my first girlfriend."
Mika's eyes widened in surprise.
Lauren grinned. "If it seems strange that I'm still friends with an ex, let me assure you that I am not friends with the bitch who walked out on me two years ago." Mika's lips twitched into a quickly-suppressed grin. "Mandy and I weren't right for each other, but she's a genuinely nice person. You'll like her."
"I look forward to meeting her," Mika said. "Mandy, that is. Not the last one."
Her expression was solemn, but a touch of irony in her tone when she said "Not the last one" led Lauren to hear "Not the bitch." Lauren's lips twitched in amusement.
The more she heard Mika speak, the more perplexed she found herself. She hadn't been surprised, given the young woman's name and appearance, that her accent wasn't local, but it was dawning on her that she sounded neither American nor Japanese. She sounded English, with the kind of cultured accent she would hear on the BBC. A deeper-voiced Hermione Granger.
The apartment was ideal. She was certain that Mandy would agree. With windows in the bedroom and French doors in the living room both looking over the center of the large, grassy lot, it could be made into a very attractive small home.
When the tour concluded, Mika opened the French doors. Fall-scented air drifted into the room. "I thought to offer you tea in the garden when you have finished looking at the flat," she said. "If you think your friend will be interested, we can discuss the details."
She stepped up to the doors, then through them. She looked toward the center table and smiled. "I'd like that," she said.
"I'll meet you in the garden when you're ready," Mika said. She returned to the front door, slipping her feet into flats before she left.
Lauren had probably erred by not removing her pumps. She doubted that Mika was especially concerned about a rental unit that she'd have little control over, but it would have been polite.
The ground was slightly spongy beneath her feet. A patchy layer of green and golden maple leaves clung damply to the grass. A faint scent of woodsmoke suggested that a neighbor had lit a wood-burning fireplace. She was studying one of the flowerbeds when she noticed Mika crossing the yard with a tray, and moved to join her at the table.
"The flowers are beautiful," Lauren said. "The whole yard is very pleasant. It's hard to believe how deep within the city we are here. I'm totally jealous of the view that Mandy will have through the French doors."
Mika gave a shy nod. "Thank you," she said, as she unloaded the tray. She poured clear, pale tea into two delicate cups, moving one across to Lauren, then presented her with a plate of clearly homemade cookies. As her eyes were on her work, Lauren took the opportunity to study her face again.
The woman wore no makeup that Lauren could see. Her narrow face was smooth, though subtle lines around her eyes might imply that she was older than Lauren had thought. Perhaps into her thirties. Her unpainted lips were pale. Without being the target of her gaze, the strange disconnect between the melancholy in her eyes and the energy of her clothing wasn't clear...
Melancholy! That was it. Without being aware of the puzzle, it seemed that Lauren's mind had continued to dwell on the look in Mika's eyes. Was she hiding the feeling with her fox tee shirt and tight jeans?
And now Lauren had spent so long congratulating herself for identifying the expression that Mika had finished setting out the refreshment, and was looking directly at her. Had been for several seconds, perhaps.
"Oh!" Lauren felt her cheeks warm. "Sorry. I was miles away. Um. This all looks delightful. Thank you!"
Her phone pinged as she picked up a cookie. "Excuse me," she said. "This is probably her."
Instead of text, there was a string of heart emojis. Lauren laughed, then said, "I think she wants the place," turning the phone so that Mika could see. She smiled, then nodded at the phone when it pinged with a follow-up message reading, "Yes, please."
"I will email her to get personal details," Mika said. "I'll need to run a credit check."
"Yes, of course," Lauren said. "She has good credit, and references. There won't be any issue."
"You have stayed close since you ended your relationship?" Mika asked.
"Yes," Lauren replied. "It wasn't all smooth sailing. Not at first. We split up when we went to different colleges, and we each blamed the other. Then, as we met other people, we began to realize that we had never really worked well. We reconnected and have been best friends ever since."
"I'm glad for you," Mika said, with a genuine smile.
"Did you build the apartment as a rental?" Lauren asked.
Mika shook her head, and she looked off into the distance. "No," she said. "I think it dates from the eighties, so it isn't as old as the house, but we didn't build it. It's one of the reasons we took the place. I used it as my studio. I have a business office now, and I'm alone in the house. I hate to see it wasted."
Lauren wondered at the change between the "we" of the purchase and "alone in the house." Mika wore no rings. Perhaps there had been a partner? She hadn't seemed at all shocked by Lauren's revelation that her exes were girls, and Lauren had a faint inkling that Mika might also be a lesbian, though her gaydar had been spectacularly and embarrassingly wrong in the past. She was also a very reserved person, and hard to read, so Lauren guessed that she might be indulging in wishful thinking, because there was no question that the woman was attractive.
Mika's potential ex wasn't a topic of conversation, though, unless she introduced it, so Lauren took the other opening she offered. "What kind of studio?" she asked. "You're an artist?"
"Photographer," Mika replied. "I'm a wedding photographer by profession. I've sold a few art prints, but it will be a long time before I can claim that I have any success in that area."
"May I see some?" Lauren asked.
Mika smiled briefly, but her eyes didn't meet Lauren's, looking into the distance again. "Another time, perhaps," she said. "It would be difficult."
"You sound English," Lauren said. She cringed inwardly at the predictable comment, but would ignoring such an obvious fact be even more shallow? "I hope I'm not being rude, because I'm sure you get asked all the time, but did you grow up in the UK?"
"I did, though my family lives in Japan now," Mika said. "I didn't follow them."
"How long have you been in the States?" Lauren asked.
She glanced into the distance again, then answered. "Nine years, now. Somehow I don't think I've gained much of an accent. But please, tell me about Lauren. You're from here, I think."
"I'm much less interesting, I'm afraid," Lauren said. "I moved here for college, and never left. I deal with my parents better when there's five hundred miles between us. Uh, I work as a commercial loan officer. I can put a date to sleep without even trying."
"Do you find it interesting?" Mika
"I do," she said, "though challenging might be a better word. Reading between the lines of audit reports and annual financials isn't for everyone."
"That is what's important," she stated. "But I wonder what you talk about if you don't want your date to fall asleep."
"I like to travel, though I've never been outside the States," Lauren replied. "So I guess I can hold my own in local and regional lore, and in fantasy books and movies. I like all kinds of music. Women, of course," she added with a slight smile, which Mika returned. Perhaps she hadn't guessed wrong.
"Does all kinds of music extend to classical?" Mika asked.
Lauren's eyes widened. "It does! Are you a classical music lover? That rarely comes up as an option."
Mika's smile was genuine. "I used to play cello. It's a topic very close to my heart."
Lauren had a vision of her in white blouse and black skirt, intense emotion on her face as she sawed on the strings. Her fantasy may have shown on her face, because Mika's eyes caught hers, and though she quickly looked away her cheeks seemed to have picked up a little color.
Lauren was becoming sure that her suspicion was correct, and just possibly her initial attraction wasn't entirely one-sided. Or maybe that was yet more wishful thinking.
They sat at the table until the late afternoon breeze began to turn cool, and the tea was completely finished. The cookies were long gone. Mika seemed as reluctant to end the conversation as Lauren. Still, she couldn't monopolize the woman's time. Lauren thanked her for her hospitality, and Mika let her know that she'd be emailing Mandy shortly.
Lauren stood to leave, but she couldn't just walk away. She spoke before she realized that she would.
"Could I see you again?" Lauren blinked in surprise at her own words. "Maybe we could get coffee? Tomorrow? Just in case I need to contact Mandy, or have any questions from her, maybe?" she finished lamely.
Mika held her eyes for a daring second. She must suspect the excuse for the obvious pretense that it had been, and there might be amusement in her expression. There was something else, though, something not entirely comfortable with the idea. But as she looked away, she nodded. She could easily have turned Lauren down with no embarrassment. She'd even given her a good justification, since Mika clearly didn't need her to act as a go-between, when she could contact Mandy directly. So she could only have agreed because she wanted to.
"Yes, alright," she said. "Text me."
"Fujita." The voice was impersonal, businesslike, but Lauren recognized it.
"Hello, uh, Mika. This is Lauren. Graham. We met yesterday?" Damn, she sounded like an idiot.
The voice warmed immediately. "Hello, Lauren," it said.
"Hi," Lauren replied. "Uh, listen. Could I buy you coffee somewhere? I want to ask how everything's going, and see if there's anything more I can do to help?"
"Everything's fine, Lauren." Mika reassured her. "I don't think there is." Her tone implied that she was going to add more, so Lauren waited, and after a beat she said, "But if you want to meet, alright. Where and when?"
Lauren suggested a coffee shop near Mika's place at one-thirty.
As soon as they'd hung up, Lauren felt nervous. She'd only been on two dates since her breakup, and both were awkward affairs. Not that this was a date. Maybe, just possibly, it might lead to one, if she hadn't completely misread Mika.
There was a peony lipstick that she felt complemented her copper hair and hazel eyes. She'd promised herself that she'd wear it on a date one day, which meant that she'd barely touched it, but she'd wear it today. On her last date, her hair had brushed the nape of her neck. Now it lay in waves down to her shoulder blades. She slipped a long cardigan over a white scoop neck tee, with faded jeans and cowboy boots.
Arriving at the coffee shop before Mika, Lauren texted her to ask what she wanted, then placed the order, a medium americano, with a latte for herself.
Mika arrived just as she found a table. She'd added a touch of color to her lips, a muted red, making them look less narrow. She wore a red silk blouse with a black above the knee skirt and dark hose, under a lightweight jacket.
The coffee shop was cool. Perhaps not as cool as sitting outside the previous day, but a little chilly for being indoors. Lauren was glad for her cardigan.
"Thanks for coming, Mika," Lauren said. "It's good to see you."
"And you, Lauren," Mika replied. Her eyes barely met Lauren's, but she seemed attentive. "I wonder why you asked me to meet you. Is there a problem with Mandy, perhaps?"
"Not at all," Lauren said. "Except that I'm jealous of her, as I said. Maybe more than I realized."
Mika frowned at her. "What does that mean?"
"Mandy's a good friend," Lauren said. "I don't begrudge her anything. But she's going to have you as her landlord. She'll be your neighbor. She'll have opportunities to talk to you."
This time Mika's narrowed eyes met Lauren's. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I'd like to see you," Lauren said. "I'd like to ask you out. Dinner, maybe. Do you... think you might be interested? Sometime? Maybe?"
Mika blinked, and her expression transformed, becoming the remote look she had worn when she'd spoken about the house. Not cold, not hostile, just... not there.
Maybe Lauren had misjudged. Maybe my gaydar needs a tune-up. Maybe it's broken beyond repair.
She opened her mouth to apologize, then realized that if she didn't know what she was apologizing for, she'd probably make the situation even more awkward. She closed her mouth again and waited for at least a hint.
The distance lasted a few seconds longer, then Mika's eyes seemed to show some confusion. "I..." she said, or tried to say. She cleared her throat and started again. "I'm sorry. I'm a bit shocked. This isn't at all what I was expecting."
"Good," Lauren said, in a weak attempt at humor. "I hate to be predictable." After a moment, she added, "I hate to be embarrassed, too, and I think I just embarrassed both of us. Maybe we could pretend I didn't say anything?"
Mika shook her head once, sharply. "No," she said. She was back in the present. Maybe more so than Lauren had yet seen, since her eyes were on hers, completely alert. "You've said nothing embarrassing. I'm a single lesbian, and you're the same, I think?"
"Yes, I am," Lauren agreed.
"And you want to go out on a date with me?" Mika asked.
"Yes, I do," she said.
Mika smiled. Nervously, maybe, but it was genuine. "Well, then," she said. "Where are you taking me?"
Lauren picked Mika up from her house the following day. There was a barbecue stand with outdoor seating that she'd heard good things about, which neither she nor Mika had visited. Had the weather been unfavorable, she'd have taken barbecue to go and invited the woman to spend the afternoon at her house, watching streaming movies. Which would have been fine, but she was pleased that their first time going out wasn't a time staying in. They ordered at the counter and took the food to a wooden table.
Sitting outside was comfortable, at least in a sweater. Mika had her jacket zipped up, and the breeze kept flicking her straight hair into her face. Lauren had tucked her hair into a chignon, though even with it tightly constrained, a few copper strands kept dancing in her vision.
Mika seemed friendly, if reserved. There was no awkwardness in their conversation, even though she seemed to be sounding out Lauren, just as Lauren was trying to get a read on her. Lauren felt she was telling Mika more than the reverse, but that was okay. The woman seemed interested in what she said.
She asked Lauren to tell her about the girl who'd walked out on her.
"If you like," Lauren said, with a sigh. "I guess I should get it out of the way, because it's the closest I've had to a serious entanglement. We were together for over a year. We thought we were okay until we tried living together. She was... well, something of a slob." She glanced at Mika to see her reaction to that. It was possible that Mika was also a slob, though if she was, it didn't show in her dress, or in the state of her rental property, or the flower beds... on second thought, no, it totally wasn't possible. "I may not exactly be a neat freak, but I have my limits. We fought about many things, but that was the one that was always in my face."
"She was living in your home?" Mika asked.
"It was our house, at least at first," Lauren replied. "She moved out mid-lease. I was okay with that. It's a small rental house, still too big for just me, but it isn't worth the effort of moving. She tried to convince me that we should buy a house together. I said no, and she decided she'd had enough of me treating her like a kid."
"How old was she?" Mika asked.
"Twenty-five?" Lauren said. "Somewhere around there. She was younger than me, and I was twenty-seven when she left."
"So that makes you twenty-nine," Mika concluded.
"I am," Lauren said. "How old are you?" She winced at the starkness of her question. She seemed to lack a filter with this woman, which was not like her at all. She wouldn't be successful in her job if she insulted clients.
"I'll be thirty-two in January," she said. "Is that close enough for you to be considering a second date?" Mika asked, her eyebrows raised.
Lauren felt a wave of relief wash over her. She'd sprung the idea of a date on Mika, and had still not been certain that she'd agreed freely. For her to bring the topic up must mean she was willing to continue. "It is. I was hoping I hadn't offended you by asking in the first place."
Mika shook her head. "I wasn't offended. You seem... quite direct. Mostly. I can respect that. And this is an unconventional place for a dinner date," she said, gesturing at the open air setting. "Perhaps you'll allow me to be conventional and invite you to Natsu restaurant. It's been too long since I've taken someone there."
"Of course," Lauren said. "I'd like that."
She wasn't expecting Mika to invite her in when she drove her home, so she wasn't disappointed. Much. Mika did agree to a spontaneous invitation for a walk in the park the following day, though.
The next day dawned with a chill. The cold front that had been threatening to arrive for a few days moved in before noon, and the temperature dropped further. Mika met Lauren in the park anyway. Both women wore heavy coats. Mika had a hood, while Lauren wore a headscarf. They were still too cold, especially when a light drizzle joined the heavy, chilly breeze. Lauren had thought to bring gloves, but Mika kept her hands in her pockets for warmth.
Lauren wasn't willing to call an end to the walk, though. Her friendship with Mika still felt very tentative, and she felt that cutting the time short would risk not getting to know her better at a critical time.
When Mika made the decision, her heart initially sank.
"I'm too cold," she said. "Even by my standards it's too cold to be outside. Would you like to come back to the house?" she asked. "I can warm us up with tea. Perhaps we can watch a movie."
"Oh. Yeah, sure," Lauren agreed, glad that the afternoon wasn't over.
They walked back to their cars. "I think you know how to find it," Mika stated, with a half smile.
"I do," Lauren agreed.
Within a few minutes, Lauren was at the front door. Mika had only arrived seconds ahead of her, and she let her in before she'd had the chance to ring the doorbell.
She glanced down to check the woman's footwear. As she'd expected, she was wearing house slippers. Lauren stepped out of her shoes, intending to enter in her stockinged feet, but with a smile, Mika indicated a small rack of guest slippers. "Please," she said, and Lauren slipped her feet into a pair.
Mika stopped suddenly after taking a step into her living room. Lauren almost collided with her. "Oh, I hope you're not allergic to cats," Mika said.
"I'm not," said Lauren.
With both women in slippers, Mika was about two inches shorter than her, or about five five. Taller than she'd first guessed, but of course Lauren had been wearing her pumps, while Mika had only the cute pink socks.
Under her coat, Mika wore a sweater and warm pants. "Will you give me a moment to change?" she asked, gesturing toward the living room. "I've started the kettle. I'll brew tea in a moment."
"Of course," Lauren said.
"Feel free to look around," Mika said, before leaving in the other direction.
A tall, unobtrusive speaker stood on either side of the large TV. Beside one was a yellow and white cat. It raised its head and an amber eye turned balefully upon Lauren. After a few seconds, it lost interest and the head lowered to rest on an outstretched paw.
Photos were arranged elegantly on the alabaster eggshell walls. Most were of weddings. They must be Mika's professional work. Most of the couples were women, but there were a few with two grooms and two with both genders.
When Mika returned, she wore a black shirt with an image of a teapot, proclaiming itself a "Tea Shirt," and dark blue capri pants. Her boyish figure didn't detract from her femininity. Her intense dark eyes, small nose and narrow chin gave her a delicate beauty. But it wasn't her looks that attracted Lauren to her. Well, not only her looks. The remote expression she'd worn when they met made her feel that something in Mika's past had been very hard for her, yet she was strong in spite of it, and in spite of her shyness and possible loneliness. In the short time Lauren had spent with her, she was coming to feel that she had a depth to her character that drew her in. A personal gravity.
Nodding to the sleeping creature by the speaker, Lauren said, "He seems like an efficient watch cat."
"Oh, she is," Mika replied. "You would not pass her if you were carrying chicken. Or even cat food, if she's hungry enough. Her name's Janeway." She gazed fondly at the cat for a moment. The cat ignored her name. "I will bring us tea," she said.
Lauren introduced herself to the cat with a tentative scratch on the back of her neck. She opened up an eye again, decided she didn't need the excitement of thirty seconds of wakefulness, and ignored her completely.
One photo drew her back to study again. Two young brides were gazing blissfully into each other's eyes, each with a beauty and radiance that only exists at a wedding. In a typical wedding pose, they were each a quarter turn from face on to the camera, so that the photographer could capture them fully while they looked only at each other.
One of the women seemed barely more than a teenager. She had red hair in a complex weave that had been brought forward over her left shoulder. Even styled, it fell almost to her waist. Her dress was white, with an unusual pale violet shade seeming to glow through an outer gauzy sheath in places. Her eyes were narrowed and lips parted in what appeared to be candid laughter, both hands holding her wife's wrist.
The other was maybe slightly older, but not by a great deal. She had hair of pale gold, partly braided into a crown, partly woven down below her shoulders, with some teased out to frame her face. Her dress was more traditionally white, and more revealing than the younger girl's. Her eyes were a startlingly bright blue, and her expression was adoring.
Many of the other photos were just as good, perhaps better, but this one had pride of place. "I love this," Lauren said, hearing Mika entering the room. The movement stopped, and she wondered if maybe she hadn't heard the woman entering the room, but when she turned around, Mika was frozen in place, blinking. After a moment, she stepped forward and lowered the tray she carried gingerly to the coffee table before speaking, her face lowered so that Lauren couldn't see her expression.
"That's not one of mine," she said. Her voice was husky.
"I thought these were all yours," Lauren said, uncomprehending.
Mika looked up. Her expression was more bleak than at any time she'd seen her. She seemed to be looking fifty yards past Lauren, though her eyes were on her face. "Look more closely," she said, softly.
Lauren turned back to the photo. The blonde was stunningly beautiful, in a classical Western style. Other than how lovely she was, Lauren didn't see anything curious about her. She turned her attention back to the redhead. The unusual dress she wore had long, flowing sleeves, and a wide belt. The edge of a large bow peeked out from behind her. But there was something familiar about her slightly upturned eyes. Although they were far more alive in this photo than they had been whenever Lauren had seen them...
The words spilled out fast, as if Lauren didn't know she'd be able to speak if she'd held them back. "Oh, my God, this is you."
The weight of the image's meaning crashed into her. This wasn't Mika and an ex. It wouldn't be here, given such central meaning, if the blonde was merely someone who'd parted ways with her. She felt her eyes begin to water before she turned back around. She couldn't see the expression of the woman now seated at the table, because her sight was blurring. She took the chair across from her, and picked up the napkin Mika had thoughtfully provided to dab at her eyes.
"I'm sorry," Lauren said. "I assume..." she trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.
"February, 2020," Mika said. "Her funeral was just before St. Valentine's day."
"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry," said Lauren.
Her eyes had cleared enough to see that Mika was looking toward the photo. After a moment, she took a risk, and extended her left hand across the coffee table. Mika glanced down, frowned for a moment, then reached out and took the hand in her right, giving Lauren a weak smile.
Lauren held the hand tightly. After a minute she picked up the teacup and took a small sip. "Can you tell me about her?" she asked, in a whisper, as she set the cup back down.
Mika studied her for what felt like a minute or two before nodding, not releasing her hand.
"She is very beautiful," Lauren said, when the pause stretched out for longer. "Both of you are. And your love is a part of that. It shines through."
Mika nodded again.
"Her name was Nicole. We met in Oxford in 2012," she began. "I was studying for a BFA, while she was working on a D Phil. We'd planned to stay in England while I continued on to an MFA, but she had to move back to the States in 2014. I had another year on my degree program, but I was graduating right as the gay marriage ruling was announced, so we rushed to get married, so that I could get my green card and be with her." She shook her head. "I'm so glad we hurried. I'd have had so much less time with her if we'd delayed."
She picked up her tea left-handed, not giving up Lauren's hand. After taking a sip and replacing it in its saucer, she continued.
"We'd been married four and a half years. I was trying hard to think of something I could get her for Valentine's. The weather had been just a little frosty, with constant drizzle. The roads weren't bad but they were damp and muddy. Seems someone stepped out from behind a van that was stopped on the motorway shoulder, startling a driver who changed lanes to avoid them. A lorry that was about to pass him swerved and jackknifed. Nicole was one more lane over, behind the lorry, and then under it. They cut her out, but she'd passed minutes earlier, they said."
Stress or grief had apparently made Mika forget to translate from her English to Lauren's, and it was only 'jackknifed' that gave her the clue that she was talking about an eighteen wheeler. She shuddered. "Oh, Christ, Mika," she said, and again, "I'm sorry."
"She was the only fatality, but there were five others injured in the pileup that happened. She never had to deal with lockdowns and masks," Mika said. "Weddings weren't happening, and I was trapped here without her. I almost tried to sell the place, but where would I have gone? And I'm glad I didn't. Sometimes not hearing her voice hurts so much, but it would hurt more to have given up a place that we both put so much of ourselves into. I did live in the flat for a couple of years. It wasn't only a studio. Now I'm mostly okay here." She gave Lauren a weak smile. "So are you still sure you want to try dating?"
Lauren nodded slowly. "I see that it's a much bigger deal than I'd known, but yes. I think the bigger question is, do you want to?"
Mika gave a small, noncommittal shrug. "I'm really not ready to date," she said. "But I won't be ready in five years. Fifteen. I want to try to be brave enough to do it anyway. But I will never not be in love with my wife. Can you live with that?"
"If you have the courage to date while feeling that way, I think I can," said Lauren. "You're worth getting to know, and that's all we're doing, isn't it? If I'm ever disrespectful toward Nicole, you have my permission to slap me silly."
That caused Mika to give her a quick grin. "Don't give up on me too quickly," she said. "I'm doing better than I was in 2020. That was such a bad year. But I still have difficult days."
"I understand," said Lauren. "Thank you for telling me."
She felt she understood Mika's melancholy now, or at least the reasoning behind it. Understanding loss that deep probably required living through it. Was she really ready to try to get close to someone with such complex feelings and such a traumatic past? Someone who was clearly deeply in love with another?
Sitting across from her, seeing not only the pain but the love Mika was capable of, she felt she saw an inner beauty that dwarfed yet complemented the outer beauty that had initially attracted her. She really did want to try to be closer to her.
A movement caught her eye. The yellow and white cat was on the move. Her tail was high in the air as she crossed to where Mika sat, rubbed herself against the woman's legs one time, then sauntered out in a different direction. She looked up to see Mika watching her watch the cat.
"She was Nicole's," Mika said. "She got her after she returned to the States, before I could come here for the wedding." She gave a brief smile. "She gave her the name, though I think it's a good one."
"Ten years ago, then?" Lauren asked.
The dark-haired woman nodded. "Janeway missed her too, after..." She broke off, but she didn't need to say the words again. "She would stalk around the house, crying. But during the night she would curl up on me and purr. Before that, she hadn't really considered me worth noticing."
"Seems like you were there for each other," Lauren said. "Maybe I could be here for you, too. We've only just started dating, but I hope you'll let me know if there's anything I can do to support you."
Mika nodded again. "I feel like I've dumped a lot on you. I hadn't intended to do that. I won't fault you if you don't want to meet again. Please eat your cookies, though," she added, with a small smile. She released Lauren's hand, having held it for so long that it felt strange to Lauren to have control of her fingers again. "I'll pour more tea."
Lauren left after the next round of tea. She felt she'd imposed enough on Mika at a time she'd accidentally made stressful. She promised to call or text her within the next few days.
Lauren: "Do you want to try the park again? Weather forecast is improving."
Mika: "Indeed. We can return here to listen to music if it's too chilly."
Lauren: "Why not? Or we could get pizza. Do you eat pizza?"
Mika: "Does anyone not eat pizza?"
The day was cool, but dry, with little wind. The footpaths were a mass of leaves, which crunched or squelched underfoot. They walked a full circuit of the park this time, narrowly avoiding being bowled over by a child on a skateboard who was using a slope on the public path as a ramp. Lauren wasn't sure if it was a boy or girl under the heavy coat.
Halfway around the path, Lauren slipped her hand into Mika's. She wasn't sure what the reaction would be, but Mika wrapped her fingers around it, gripping lightly but positively.
"You said you were studying fine arts in Oxford," Lauren said. "I googled what that means. It sounds impressive, and incredibly competitive. Did you specialize in photography?"
Mika shook her head. "We worked in several media. I had a notion of becoming a sculptor. Photography paid the bills when I moved to the States."
"Oh, that's cool! Do you still sculpt?"
"Not since..."
"Ah," said Lauren. "I'm sorry, I'm being insensitive, aren't I?"
"No, it's not that," Mika replied. "Even if it was, I don't want to shut down. Listen..." She glanced at Lauren, then looked at the ground in front of her. Lauren waited for her to continue. "If you're really interested, I'll show you my last piece. You'll understand why it's hard to talk about. But it can't be a conversation ender."
"I'd like to see it," Lauren said. "Is there any other art you've pursued? Or just photography."
This time, Mika smiled. "Shall we eat pizza on the way to my house, or call for delivery? I'd like to show you around."
They arrived at Mika's large yellow house after sharing a deep dish pizza. "I meant to ask if you wanted me to get some coffee," Mika said. "I only have tea here."
"The tea has been good," said Lauren. "I can drink coffee at home."
"Then I'll put the kettle on," the slender woman announced. "Would you like me to take your coat?"
She returned a moment later, having taken off her coat and sweater. Lauren saw her tee shirt, and though she tried to suppress her laughter, it burst free. "Oh, God," she said.
Mika's face seemed a little flushed. "Do you like it? I've had it for donkey's years. It was a gift. Nicole thought it was hilarious. I thought you might, too."
The front of the tee had images of several birds, generally chickadee shaped, but in an array of colors. At the top of the shirt, in block letters, were the words "SMALL BRITISH TITS."
"I don't think I can make any comment without sounding crass," said Lauren, adding, "but... nice birds."
"Be honest. You almost said nice tits, didn't you?"
"I did not," Lauren replied. "I didn't even think it. I promise!"
"I'm not as offended by language as you Yanks can be," Mika said, "and I'm quite aware that I'm underwhelming in the breast department. That's why the shirt is so funny. And they are quite British."
Now it was Lauren's turn to blush. "I, uh, don't think anything about you is underwhelming, Mika. I think you're very attractive, head to toe, and will you please show me around the house before I say something I will regret?"
"Of course," her companion said. "I wasn't fishing for compliments," she added, smiling, "but for the record, I think you're very attractive, too. Call me shallow, but I wouldn't have agreed to a first date if i didn't. Just thought I should get that out there."
Lauren didn't object to the turn the conversation had taken, but she felt nervous nonetheless. "Guided tour?" she suggested.
This time Mika's cheeks dimpled when she smiled. "Fine," she said. She led Lauren out of the living room. "This is my room." She opened the first door in the hallway. "Well, right, they're all my room now, but this was always my relaxation room. It's where I would come when I felt stressed or homesick. I still do. I should mention that you get a special dispensation since you're on the official tour, but I do not allow any electronics in the room."
"Damn, that sounds like a great idea," said Lauren.
The room was a moderate size, but was very bare. The walls were painted in a soft cream, with brown trim. There was a low table, lower than a coffee table, surrounded by cushions. The room had French doors which opened onto the central yard. The evening had turned to dusk, but she could see the rental apartment. The light of a single street lamp flickered through the maple that overhung it.
There was a single watercolor painting in the room. It was a Japanese or Japanese-influenced image of open doors, shoji - was that the name? - translucent paper in a wooden frame. A small amount of light seemed to glow through the paper where it wasn't shadowed by the wall. Below the door stretched a tatami floor, and through the doorway a small pagoda was dwarfed by a huge tree, small red maples and traditional water features in the foreground. The brush strokes where the painting faded to blank paper had the appearance of calligraphy.
Lauren assumed it was a traditional painting, and was about to turn away from it when she was struck with a sense of familiarity. She turned back to the painting to study the tree, then looked out through the French doors. The one in the painting was much larger in scale than the one she was looking at, but... "Fuck," she breathed, then felt guilty for her language. "Uh, I mean... you painted this."
"I did," said Mika.
"The tree is the same. Everything else is... reimagined? This room is the tatami room, right?"
"It's how I picture it, yes," Mika replied. "I mean, we didn't have a wood frame house in England, but Dad was culturally very much Japanese, so I recreated the room to feel close to him and Mum."
"Your mother was Japanese too?"
Mika gave a half smile. "Technically no, she's British, but second generation of Japanese descent. Dad met her in Newcastle after he'd moved from Tokyo. She stayed in England with me when he had to return, but she'd spend long vacations in Japan while I was at school, and she moved there permanently as soon as I was at university."
"Do you speak Japanese?"
Mika placed her palms on her thighs and bowed, then spoke a stream of words that Lauren didn't understand in the slightest, except she thought she heard "Fujita" somewhere in the mix.
She grinned. "Did you just introduce yourself?"
"I did," said Mika.
"For all I know, you could have said 'these are small British tits,'" Lauren said.
Mika's smile was mischievous. "The double-entendre doesn't translate. I could say 'this tee shirt has small British birds,' or I could say something that would be considered very impolite. I did neither."
Lauren looked at the painting again. "Well, this is amazing," she said. "You should sell prints. If that wouldn't be demeaning the work." She turned back to Mika. "You said you had a sculpture to show me."
The woman's face lost its lighthearted expression, but she nodded. "Yes." She held out her hand to Lauren, but seemed uneasy. Lauren took the offered hand, and let her lead her out of the room.
"This is my bedroom," she said, opening the door at the end of the hall. "Please don't look too closely."
The room was very neat. Mika had nothing to be embarrassed about in its presentation, but Lauren avoided looking directly at anything but the display shelf the shorter woman stood before. In center place, between two small paintings on stands, was the head of a woman in marble. The detail was incredible. Eyes, eyebrows and hair were all lifelike. Lauren couldn't envision how it could be made so perfectly.
She recognized the face, though she'd only seen it in a single photo. As if in confirmation, a crystal ring holder on the left side of the piece held a diamond engagement ring and a gold wedding band. "Nicole," she stated. "It's beautiful. How long did it take?"
"I worked on it for about two years," Mika said. "Mostly during the pandemic, when there were no weddings, but I continued when business picked up. Creating it was difficult, at first, but I think it was important for me."
"Did you work on it here?" Lauren asked. "In the apartment?"
Mika shook her head. "I own a place a few miles away. My workshop is behind my business office."
Lauren gazed at the piece for a long time. She wanted to ask if she could touch it, but given the subject, that would seem weird. She had forgotten that she was still holding Mika's hand, and almost jumped when she felt fingers tighten around hers. Returning the pressure, she turned to find the woman watching her.
"You are wondering if I am obsessed with my late wife," Mika said. Which was not quite true, though the thought had crossed Lauren's mind. "I am not. I said I still love her, and I always will, but I do have a life without her. We've talked about her, maybe we've talked too much, but I think it's important that you know. I find myself sad, at times, but creating this took much of the sting away."
"After I left the other day I was thinking about what you went through," said Lauren. "You'd moved from England. You'd given up your degree plans. You lost all of that, too, and right at the time when everyone was isolating and shutting down. You had no support system here, did you?"
Mika gave her a weary smile. "It's true," she said. "And with my parents in Ibaraki prefecture, I felt like I didn't have a home anywhere but the one I'd made with Nicole." She gestured around with her free hand. "This is home to me, now, and I'm content."
Lauren looked from Mika to the representation of her wife. Five years ago both faces would have been real. Could her art move beyond recreating that time? "Will you ever sculpt again?"
Mika pursed her lips in thought. She lifted her free hand to indicate a clear glass heart with streaks of pale gold at one end of the shelf. At the other end was a similar heart with pale green streaks. "These two were part of a work I'd planned. Two hearts in random motion, each occasionally eclipsing the other. But I couldn't make the vision work, and now I don't know what the individual hearts represent. Sometimes a concept doesn't come together. I abandoned this one before the accident. I'd like to say I'll find a new concept, but it can be hard to know. I do feel I'll get there."
Mika released Lauren's hand, then touched her arm, guiding her out of the bedroom. Lauren followed her back to the living room. Inside, Mika closed the door, then stepped close to Lauren, not quite invading her personal space, but her heart skipped a beat.
"There's one thing that I'm not content with," Mika said. She was looking at the floor, her cheeks slightly flushed. "You have been very accepting and sensitive, even knowing my... limitations. I like being with you. And I haven't kissed a woman in several years. I'd like to correct that situation."
Lauren felt a thrill of excitement. "I did say I want to help, didn't I?" She leaned toward the woman, who turned her face up. Their lips met, touched, separated, then met again. Mika's lips were soft against hers.
She relaxed her lips, almost to the point of letting them part, then touched them to Mika's upper lip, holding the contact for longer. Repeating the move, she allowed her lips to part slightly, testing the waters, as they touched the edge of Mika's upper lip, sucking gently. She felt the woman step slightly closer, her hands moving to Lauren's hips. Mika's lips parted against her lower lip, and the excitement in her belly grew.
Drawing back, she looked into Mika's eyes. They were darker, a sense of anticipation in her expression. Sliding her own hands around the woman's waist, she drew her close as she met her parted lips, feeling the movement of her breath against her mouth. Mika pressed her face more firmly to hers, and she sensed a slight groan sneak out of the woman's throat.
The sound became a catalyst, the kiss deepening almost without her volition. Lauren's lips parted further, the other woman's mouth moving as they both changed positions, lips caressing lips. Mika's arms crept around her, then her tongue lightly brushed Lauren's. Instantly, her breathing became heavy. The warmth of desire grew within her, and she sought out Mika's tongue with her own, caressing it.
Mika groaned again. Her hands left Lauren, then reappeared at the back of her neck, one drifting down to her shoulder blades as the other pinned Lauren's face to hers.
This time Lauren groaned with the intensity of her craving. Mika might have been five years without being kissed, but it was at least two years for her, and much more since she'd kissed anyone with close to Mika's passion. She was going to have trouble not wanting more. Correction - she already wanted more. She was going to have trouble not pushing for more. The feel of the woman's lips, her tongue, her scent, her body against Lauren's chest...
She laughed. She couldn't help it, drawing back as quickly as Mika, clearly startled, did. The woman blinked a few times.
"Sorry," Lauren wheezed. "I suddenly thought about having small british tits pressed against me."
Mika grinned in amusement, then reached to take her hand. "To be fair, you did," she said. "And they weren't complaining." She turned Lauren toward the sofa.
"Of course they weren't," Lauren retorted. "They're just painted birds on cotton."
"Right," Mika said.
Lauren sat on the sofa. She hoped there'd be more kissing, but she didn't want to push. Though maybe she should. Waiting for Mika to take the lead might allow her to stay within her boundaries, but it put pressure on her in a different way, making her responsible for the progress of their relationship. Maybe Lauren needed to share the load.
The obvious answer was to talk about it.
Mika brought the ever present tray with tea and cookies. "Can I put on a CD? How far do your classical tastes extend?" she asked. "Shostakovich? Shoenberg? Sibelius? Schubert? Stravinski?"
Lauren grinned. "Anyone not beginning with S?"
"Probably, if I look hard enough. What letter would you prefer?"
"Just play something you like," Lauren said.
Mika selected a CD from the rack, slid it into a slot, then returned to the sofa with a remote. The piece began; a bright solo violin over quiet strings. Lauren recognized it, but didn't want to derail the conversation she wanted to have.
Disturbed by the sounds from beside her ear. Janeway stood, giving the speaker a disgusted glare. Mika sipped her tea.
"Uh, I'm sorry about laughing a few minutes ago," Lauren said. "I interrupted the kissing. Would you like to... continue?"
Mika gave her an uneasy look. "I would, and I wouldn't. At least, not today. You're the first girl I've kissed in five years. I enjoyed it very much. Enough that I feel nervous." She set her tea down, then reached for Lauren's hand. "I think there will be more snogging in our future, if I don't manage to drive you away."
"I think you'll have to try harder to do that," Lauren said, her hand nestling into the woman's. "I like you, Mika. I'm willing to wait. Especially if there will be more snogging. That, uh, is the same as kissing, right?"
"Well, yes, but not quite," said Mika. "I'd say kissing with feeling. You wouldn't snog your mum or a friend. You don't pass the snog of peace at church, unless it's a very unusual church."
"Making out?" Lauren suggested.
"More or less, I suppose," Mika agreed, "but just the kissing part." She grinned. "Honestly, I think that's the first time I've used the word since first year uni. I used to like a good snog. I snogged a lot of girls before Nicole. She and I did, of course, but snogging means something more casual to me."
"You told me a little about how you and she met, the other day," Lauren said, "but I think I'd like to know her better. Would you tell me more about her?"
Mika's eyes clouded. Her hand seemed to go tense in Lauren's. It was several seconds before she nodded, slowly. "I think I would," she said. She released Lauren's hand to pick up her tea. Lauren felt regret when she continued to hold the tea instead of her hand. She took a sip of her own tea. It was good.
The lighting in the living room was low. Lauren caught a glint of blue in Mika's eyes, realizing after a moment that it was the reflection of the glow of the sound system. After a moment, her companion nodded. "I'd come out to my parents just before leaving for uni. They weren't as surprised as I'd expected. Maybe a little disappointed, hoping they'd been wrong about me, but mostly supportive. I'd had girlfriends before then, but at my all-girl boarding school, where it was both not uncommon and a deep, dark secret.
"After telling them, I could come out of the closet, and although I was shy I seemed to be popular with the girls. Mostly artists."
"This is when all the snogging happened," suggested Lauren.
"Well, yes. And maybe a bit more," she said. There was a distant look in her eyes again, but this time the memories seemed to be fond ones. "I'd seen Nicole around and thought she was cool, even though she was a Yank." She gave Lauren a quick smirk. "But I'd never have talked to her. She was older, and a doctoral student. Her field was cell biology. We got tossed onto the same Pride project. She was everything I wasn't. Outgoing, American, sciency, brilliant. She had international scholarships for her doctorate. But we hit it off, somehow, and were dating by the end of the year. We were going to stay in England, and we'd talked about getting married, but she was recruited by a biotech startup. She was going to turn it down, but I persuaded her to come back to talk to them, and she couldn't pass up the opportunity.
"So we were long distance for a year. Then she proposed, the gay marriage ruling happened, and Nicole worked frantically to get me a marriage visa.
"After we married, I lived with her and Janeway in an apartment. She was a senior scientist at, umm, twenty-six, I guess, and the company was outperforming expectations, so she was well paid. I told her I didn't want to be a kept woman," she said, with a brief grin, "so I took a job with a wedding photographer and found I loved it. In 2018 we bought this place, and I started my own business. In 2019 the company went public. Nicole's shares were vested, and it looked like we were set for life." She sighed. "But that turned out to be only half a year. I've told you about that, though.
"My parents had visited for the wedding, and they returned for the funeral. They were very supportive, but they live half a world away. Nicole's parents became my rock, but even they are a good distance away. They live on the coast. We arranged to bury her near them, because travelling is much easier for me than it would be for them."
"Do you visit often?" Lauren asked, softly.
"St. Valentine's day, without fail," Mika replied, promptly. "And whenever her parents invite me for anything, so maybe three to four times a year."
She was silent for a long time. Lauren wasn't sure if she should say something else about her situation. Eventually Mika spoke again.
"Thank you for letting me tell you this," she said. Her smile was genuine, if still touched with a hint of sorrow. "I still worry that you think I'm obsessed with her, but even a year ago I couldn't have shared so much, and it helps me enormously to be able to speak about it."
Lauren chanced reaching for her hand again. Mika smiled as she took it, and returned her squeeze. "I want you to be comfortable with me, Mika. Nicole is important to you, and I wouldn't want you to feel you have to hide that."
In response, her companion lifted her hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles. She gave her a smile that held very little of the sadness of moments earlier. "Thank you," she said again. Releasing Lauren's fingers, she asked, "Can I bring you more tea?"
"Yes, please," Lauren replied. She would offer to help, but Mika seemed to want to provide this kindness.
When her companion returned, Lauren said, "I like this."
"The tea?" Mika seemed puzzled, since she'd just set the cup down for her.
"Well, that, yes, but I meant the music. It's Mendelsohn? Not an S."
"It is," Mika agreed. "Hilary Hahn. But it's followed by Shostakovich."
Lauren chuckled. "Maybe we can move on to another letter next time."
Mika's smile held affection. "This is one thing I'm pleased to be able to share. I could never interest Nicole in most of the music I like. She was all Miley Cyrus and Beyoncé."
"Don't you diss my Miley!" Lauren objected. "I grew up with Hannah Montana! Though I love Miley more than Hannah. And Beyoncé is great! I bet you're not a Swiftie, either."
Mika pursed her lips and blinked. "I don't really dislike any of them," she said. "I never objected to Nicole blasting Beyoncé when she had a difficult work problem to solve. I just didn't get into it."
Lauren sighed. "It's alright. Not everyone has good taste." She gave a half smile to show she wasn't serious. "I won't try to convert you. Did you not grow up with Hannah Montana? Wasn't it a thing in the UK?"
"I suppose it was popular enough, but no, it never caught my attention," Mika said. "I sincerely regret the absence of good taste on my part."
"No you don't," Lauren said, "but I forgive you."
Mika gave her a shy smile. "Uh, would you like me to get tickets to the symphony this weekend?"
Lauren frowned. "Surely it's sold out now?"
"I think I can find us something. If you'd like to go," Mika said.
"Well, okay, if you can, I'd like that."
Partway through the subsequent Shostakovich concerto, Lauren felt a touch on her leg. Looking down, she found Janeway, who had climbed over Mika, trying to push between them. She absently petted the cat as it settled for curling up on both of them.
When the CD was finished, Lauren eased herself out from under the cat, who gave her an annoyed glare. "I should head home," she said. "Let me know about the concert."
Mika stood, too. The cat let out an exasperated mew, then stalked out of the room.
At the door, Lauren turned to face Mika, who was right behind her. She wasn't sure if she should give her a goodnight kiss. After the session in the hallway, she'd have expected so, but would it be insensitive to kiss Mika after she'd shared so much personal story around her late wife?
"Thank you for today," she said instead. She was about to turn away when the woman leaned forward and pressed her lips to hers. Caught off-guard, she reached for Mika to steady herself, and suddenly their kiss was intense, the shorter woman's arms wrapping around her back as she gripped her waist tightly. Mika's tongue met hers, and it took all of Lauren's will not to moan at the sudden heat.
When they separated, she was pleased to see that Mika looked as shaken as she felt. Her cheeks were flushed, and her breathing heavy. Her expression seemed slightly shocked. Lauren leaned in again, touching her lips chastely to the other woman's, defusing the unexpected burst of passion. "I'll see you this weekend," she said, then turned to leave as Mika just nodded, mutely.
As a bank officer, Lauren was familiar with networking events and social obligations. She had a good range of cocktail wear to choose from for her symphony date. She selected a floor-length bottle green off the shoulder dress, with a neckline low enough not to be considered conservative, but not low enough to be risqué. She found the lowest heels she had that would work with the dress, and wore a heavy coat against the cold evening.
She had offered to drive, so she picked Mika up at her house. She changed into her heels while waiting in line for valet parking, then moved around to the passenger side to meet Mika as she stepped out of the car and took her arm.
"I'm looking forward to seeing what you turn into without your coat," Lauren whispered.
"Turn into?" Mika asked, with a chuckle. "Do you think I will be a frog?"
"You can't be a frog," Lauren said, "because then if I kiss you you'll turn into a prince. I wouldn't want you to be a prince."
Mika's eyes widened at the mention of kissing. Lauren hadn't been sure if she should make the comment, but she didn't seem to react negatively to it.
At the coat check, Lauren saw Mika's dress for the first time. She wore a deep blue one-shoulder sheath dress, with hose and medium heels. She was gorgeous.
"Definitely a princess," said Lauren. "Not a frog."
Mika's eyes seemed shy as they met hers.
"How did you develop an interest in classical music?" Mika asked, as they waited for the concert to start. "It seems unusual here."
"Same as you, I think," Lauren said. "I learned to play the flute in high school. We only had band and a chamber orchestra, which was mostly strings, but they often called on band members when the selection called for a wind section. I always wished I could play in a real orchestra, so I listened to classical music and imagined it."
"That's both sad and inspiring," Mika said. "There was nothing you could join outside school?"
"Not with having to find transport twenty miles each way a couple of times a month," Lauren said, "and it would have conflicted with band. I wouldn't have had the perseverance to continue into college, anyway."
"Yes, I gave up the cello when I went to university," Mika said. "I was doing too much even without it."
The orchestra program was all American composers. Nothing that was new to Lauren. She surreptitiously observed Mika, who was clearly enjoying the music. If at times she wore the distant expression of memory, the memories were clearly ones she did not regret. She seemed particularly rapt listening to Gershwin. After the applause for that piece ended, she felt Mika's hand steal into hers. She looked up to meet Mika's eyes. She was smiling, her cheeks glowing.
When she'd driven Mika home, Lauren hurried around to the passenger door to help the other woman out. Mika seemed very much the princess that she'd named her as she walked her to the door.
Their goodnight kiss was affectionate but chaste, Lauren was about to step back, when Mika spoke.
"You said I could take you to Natsu," she said. "Could I reserve a table for Friday?"
"I'd like that," Lauren replied. "Thank you for today."
"Thank you for coming with me," Mika said. "I'll see you on Friday."