Did things finally return to normal? I'm not even sure what normal is, these days... but with Brian home, no more conferences, vacation next week when I can rest, perhaps I can start to believe that I can get back to some kind of stability.

Yesterday went exactly as planned... i.e. we did nothing. Almost nothing. We spent an hour in the afternoon at the grocery... the one that purports to sell natural and organic foods. Their selection of produce is usually more interesting, though their prices are high. They have a pretty good selection of cheeses, too, and Brian's been getting me to try some different imported cheeses.

We considered going to see "Star Wars I", or "The Matrix", but it seemed like a lot of effort to go to for a day we were deliberately writing off as non-productive. So we went back home and soaked for a time. The morning had been stormy, and after being awake for so much of the night, trying to catch up on sleep - while the thunder roared and Selky battled with us for space under the covers - hadn't worked too well, so I took a nap, while Brian lay beside me reading science fiction. He was disappointed that the series finale of Deep Space 9 wasn't showing until Wednesday; TV Guide had it listed as being last night, but apparently our local station moved it.

In spite of my nap, I slept well last night. Perhaps relaxation really is the key. Being with Brian isn't always the most relaxing of experiences.

Busy day at work, catching up with what I missed last week.

Brian asked me to keep Thursday evening open for dinner as a belated birthday celebration. Works for me...

 

I decided to start adding the day to the heading, starting yesterday... I'm finding going back to figure out what happened when is getting confusing. Of course, the day and date is the day I wrote the entry, not the day (necessarily) I'm writing about, which is part of the confusion. I've thought about trying to keep entries by day of occurence rather than of writing, but that does several things: it doesn't show the distance, so you don't know if I'm writing about something that happend this morning, yesterday or a week ago, and it makes writing about the thought process difficult. If I'm thinking now, while I'm writing yesterday's entry, of something that happened last week, should that go in yesterday's entry, or should I remember to write it in today's entry, tomorrow, or perhaps even go back and add it in the entry for the day I'm thinking about?

Yeah, that's confusing :-)

Caught up at work. Terry dumped a bunch of resumés off for evaluation. He wants me to pick candidates, call them, and interview them, he'll do follow-up interviews. It seems that he wants me to act as a manager, even if he's paying me as a tech... hmmm. I warned him I might not get very far before my vacation.

He claimed not to know about the vacation. I showed him the paperwork, he said okay, but could I delay it? I told him no, and he seemed to accept that. I should talk to Brian, though, perhaps I could offer, if they really need me next week.

On the other hand, no. If they need me here to act as a manager, they can pay me to be a manager. As a tech, I already had my vacation approved, and I'm going to take it. San Antonio, here we come :-)

"Oh, the assholes."

Brian looked up in surprise. I was looking through my mail at the table, and I had come to yesterday's pay stub. He looked concerned. "What is it? More deductions?"

I studied the stub carefully. "Indirectly, I guess that's true. No, they've given me a pay raise. A pretty good one."

"Why is that bad?"

"Because they didn't tell me. Terry made it quite clear that this was only responsibility, not a real promotion."

"I still don't see the problem."

"I haven't been taking Terry's direction very seriously, because I didn't think they were serious about this. Just this morning he asked me to stay here next week to hire new people."

"I hope you told him no."

"Yeah, but now..."

"Helen, don't even think of it."

"I have to, Brian. He didn't know about my vacation. He really needs me here."

"And we need this time."

"Do we? We want it, but do we need it?"

"Well, hell," he argued, "we don't need weekends and nights away from the office, either."

"Brian, would it really hurt if we just delayed a couple of weeks?"

"Are you telling me this job is more important than me?"

"Oh, damn, Brian, that's completely unfair. You know it isn't, but this is a difficult time."

"No shit, it's difficult."

"Brian, we don't need to fight about this."

"Then we won't, we'll just stick to the plan."

I shook my head. "If you're going to be like this about it, I guess I don't have much choice."

"Well, don't you agree?" He seemed to be calming down a little.

"I don't know, Brian. This job may be closer to what I'd wanted than I was thinking. I guess I'd like to give it a chance. The job's new. I love you. I'll still love you in a month."

"You sure?" he grinned weakly.

"You know damn well I will, whether you let me do this or not."

He was silent for a moment. "We haven't actually committed any money yet, we could cancel the hotel reservation."

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I don't know if I can get vacation approved later."

I nodded. "That's true, too... but here's a suggestion. I could talk to Terry... if, and only if, we can both postpone our vacations, we will, but if either of us can't, well, next week is already approved."

"I could live with that," he said.

I sat on his lap and we made up for a few minutes. Then I pushed away. "I need to make a few phone calls. Let's continue this later."

"Oh, shit, I need to use the phone too."

"Are we going to fight about that, now?" I grinned.

"No, I'll run back to my house for a few minutes. I still haven't disconnected the line."

I kissed him. "Okay, hurry back."

He left, and I called eight of the applicants. There were three who I wanted to interview, and I set two up for Friday. After I check with Terry, I'll set the third up for next week, and there are more to call tomorrow.

He still isn't back from his calls, whatever they are... I hope he's back soon. I want to spend more time making up.

 

Short entry today. Brian wants for us to leave on time for my birthday dinner. I'm apparently not going to have time to call applicants this evening, but then, I should have tomorrow and the weekend.

Talked to Terry about delaying both of our vacations. He immediately sought out Andy, Brian's manager, and between them they approved the first week of July for both of us.

Terry expressed his appreciation of my effort, and offered to buy me lunch. I checked with Brian, he said he had to skip today, so I took Terry up on the offer, and we had lunch at a cozy Italian place nearby. I took the opportunity to ask about my raise. I hadn't wanted to do that earlier, I really don't want him thinking that he bribed me into skipping my vacation.

"Oh, yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. I've been fighting with senior management" (Ken, I'd guess) "to get you more money. I'm going to be depending on you, Helen, and I figured you should have the salary that comes with the responsibility. I only found out yesterday that the request had been approved."

So I guess Terry's on my side after all. And he did buy lunch.

 

Was it only three days ago that I was wondering if my life was finally becoming stable?

God - or fate - has a strange sense of humor.

Last night. Thursday evening. The evening Brian had asked me to keep clear for dinner. We left the office right on the stroke of five.

When we arrived home, Brian produced a giftwrapped box. "Happy Birthday," he said.

"You gave me a birthday present already," I said, frowning.

"Yeah, but this one is special for today. Open it, you'll understand."

I did. It was an absolutely beautiful black evening gown.

"Oh, wow, that is lovely," I said. "Where are you planning to take me tonight?"

"It's a surprise, but that will work well."

I shrugged. "Okay. When do we need to be there?"

"If we leave here at seven, we'll be right on time."

That gave me an hour and a half to get ready, which was barely adequate if I was going to do the gown justice... but I was ready just before seven. In spite of having to deal with an increasingly agitated boyfriend. He seemed nervous, more than just being late would justify... besides, if he was taking me to a highbrow place, wasn't "fashionably late" still fashionable?

I finally locked the bathroom door and ignored him. Otherwise I would not have been ready on time.

The gown was low-cut, of course, I wouldn't expect anything else of Brian (nor would I want him to be otherwise :-), with a deeply slit long skirt. He had thoughtfully bought me some black hose.

"It looks better on you than it did on Clarice," he said.

"Clarice? What does she have to do with this?"

"She helped me choose it on Monday. No, Tuesday. I snuck out of work for a time."

"God, Clarice had you alone for a couple of hours?" I grinned. "I'm glad I didn't know about it."

"She hoped it wouldn't be too tight across..." He waved his fingers in front of his chest.

"No, it's fine, and the necklace you gave me is perfect with it."

Clarice's involvement no doubt explained the hose.

Brian was dressed up nicely, too, in his good suit, white shirt and black tie. I had no idea where he could have chosen that needed this kind of attire.

He drove, of course, since I had no idea where we were going. We headed a long way into town, down into the old warehouse district that has become a haven of arts and nightclubs. This obviously wasn't the place for an evening-dress restaurant. But he pulled into a parking space.

"I have something I need to do here. Come in with me, it might be a few minutes."

He helped me out of the car, and we walked up to an unmarked door, where he knocked loudly. I was getting concerned. I couldn't imagine any legitimate business going on here...

The door opened, and we walked in to a big hall. It was dark; there were exit signs only. Then there was this horrendously loud guitar chord, and the sound of dozens of voices following an amplified voice singing "Happy Birthday". To me, of course...

At the end of the song, the lights came up, and the band - it was a real band - started into some great rock and roll, and I was surrounded by what seemed to be everyone I knew... Clarice was there, with Rob, and Bev, with a girl I didn't recognize, Larry and Susie from the office, Terry, most of the software group, including Mary. Larry (the other one) and Ellen were there, though not Chris.

Of course, I was the only one there in evening dress. Well, Brian and me... but he hadn't had me dress like this only for the facade of taking me out to dinner, it was also that it was my night. I wonder if that was his idea, or Clarice's.

And most were wearing decent clothes, a few in business suits. Clarice wore a lovely plum-colored dress, and Rob had a suit and tie.

So I greeted and was greeted by the throng. There must have been sixty or more people there, including about twenty I didn't know at all, beyond spouses and friends of those I did; I learned that they were mainly friends of Bev and the band, Bev having been the "facilitator" of the event, and the band being the one Bev took Clarice and me to see a couple of weeks ago, only a block or so from this place.

Then I danced, with Brian, with others. There were snacks... not the banquet Brian had led me to expect, but we didn't go hungry. Finally I got to talk to Clarice about the event.

"It was Rob's idea," she said... talking over the band, not quite shouting, but the sound level was pretty high. "Rob's and mine, but mainly his. We talked about it in San Jose, on your birthday. I thought we'd be SOL on putting a party together at short notice, but I called Bev."

"I've noticed she seems to have a gift for that kind of thing. Would it be crass to ask who's paying for this?"

"Probably... but it wasn't as expensive as you'd think. That's another of Bev's talents. There are a few of us splitting the cost, plus everyone contributed to food."

"Is this what Sunday was about?"

She grinned. "You got it. We had to get Brian involved."

I hugged her. "Thank you, Clarice. This is such a wonderful surprise." I realized I was close to tears. "And thanks for helping Brian with the dress. It's perfect."

"Hey, I only did that 'cause I thought I'd get to keep him. Didn't work."

As she returned my hug, I heard a deep voice from behind my shoulder. "If you two get any closer, I'll start to get worried."

It was Brian, and he was grinning at us.

"When you're all through with her," he said to Clarice, "I'd like to borrow her for a few minutes."

"Borrow me instead?" she suggested, and released me. Brian took my hand and led me to a seat in the corner of the room... the farthest from the band, but it was by no means quiet.

"Thank you, Brian, this is wonderful".

"I hope I'm not about to spoil it," he said. He seemed apprehensive. He reached out and touched my necklace. "You remember what you said this means?

I smiled at him softly. "Yes, I do."

"We've come a long way since then, but I think I will always remember that feeling, like we were part of each other. Even when I was so far from you, it seemed that I carried part of you with me... does that sound strange?"

I shook my head. "No, I think I understand."

"I don't want for that to change."

"Why should it?"

"I don't mean now, or soon, or for a while. I mean always." He took something from his pocket. "I was going to wait until our vacation, but when Clarice told me about this party... I want to add to the necklace." Taking my hand, he placed a small velvet box in it...

Oh, God.

I opened it, and stared at the ring until my eyes blurred with tears. Then I couldn't hold them back, and they ran down my face. Brian rushed to get a napkin from a small table nearby, and I wiped my eyes, smearing my makeup.

"I know you're going to think it's too soon," he said, nervousness creeping into his voice, "but I know that I never want to stop being part of your life. Will you marry me?"

Still holding the ring in its box, I put my arms around his neck, and held him. Then I disengaged, and looked at the ring again. I was scared, more scared than I ever remember being, and at the same time I felt that I was glowing. I couldn't take in the magnitude of what was happening.

Brian was becoming increasingly agitated. He seemed to think he'd done something really stupid... and I guess, depending on your point of view, he had. I could have felt that he was obsessed, untrustworthy. This act could have driven us apart, I guess... he knew me better than that, but still, it must have been unnerving.

"Helen... if I've upset you..."

I looked up sharply. His face wouldn't come into focus as my eyes kept tearing up. "Upset me?" I shook my head. "No." I held the box out to him. His face fell, he must have thought I was returning it. "Brian... will you put it on me while I can still see? Let me look at it for a moment."

Prying the ring from its box, he slipped it onto my finger. It wasn't a bad fit... perhaps slightly loose, but it wouldn't need much adjustment. I held my left hand before me, moving it to catch the colored lights from the stage. "Brian, it's beautiful." Then I started crying in earnest.

He held me as I willed myself to stop before my makeup was beyond repair. "Brian," I said, "we've only been dating three months, and you were gone for one of those."

My head was resting on his shoulder, and I couldn't see his face, but I felt him nod. "I know, but I didn't want to wait. I'm already committed."

"You should be," I said, "but I think I've been hoping that you wouldn't."

"Wouldn't ask?"

"No, wouldn't wait." I looked at the ring. Behind his back it was out of the light and didn't sparkle, but still, it seemed beautiful. Perhaps it was more what it symbolized than how it looked. "I didn't know what I would say."

"Do you now?" His voice shook.

"Yes, I do." I drew back and looked at him. "I should be committed too. Yes, Brian."

I wiped my eyes, which were stinging with makeup, and we kissed.

Then I stood, and pulled him to his feet. "C'mon, we can do this later. It's time to go flaunt." But we did a little more anyway before returning to our friends.

Clarice was dancing with Rob. I caught her eye, and waved her over. She took Rob's hand, and dragged him over to us. She frowned at me... I must have looked pretty bad with my smeared makeup. Then she looked for the cause.

She's fast. Brian was holding the fingertips of my left hand, ring in view, and Clarice's eyes caught it in about half a second. "Oh, Jesus."

Rob had no clue what was happening. "Look at her hand, you idiot," she snapped. Even so, it took a moment for the significance to seep into his male brain. Then he grinned broadly.

Clarice was frowning, but then she pursed her lips in a mock pout, and poked Brian in the chest. "Does this mean there's no point in waiting for you to come to your senses?"

"It'll never happen," he said.

She sighed loudly. "Then I guess we'll just have to have an affair."

"Clarice!" I protested, while Rob laughed loudly.

"We have to tell everyone," she said.

"Not until I've fixed my makeup."

"Oh, God, they'll have gone home by then," she objected, but she came with me to the ladies room. I saw Rob shaking Brian's hand as we left.

I was as quick as I could be, and we were back in a couple of minutes. Brian took my left hand in his right, covering the ring, and Rob signaled to Clarice from the stage, where he'd been talking to the singer between numbers. The band was silent as we made our way up the steps of the small stage.

The vocalist moved away from the mike, and Brian stepped up to it. "Hi."

"Hi Brian," yelled a couple of people.

"I know you all wish Helen a happy first twenty-ninth birthday." Some laughter. "It really is her first, but she tells me she's going to exercise her woman's prerogative and hold there.

"Now, if you know us at all, you might know that she complains that I'm too young for her. Well, I figure, if she's holding at twenty-nine, then in just a couple of years, I'll be the same age she is, and she won't have any reason to complain." More laughter.

"Problem is, I don't want to wait that long." He paused. "A few minutes ago, she agreed that I don't have to."

He held my hand up so that everyone could see the ring, and they all started whistling and applauding. The guitarist and drummer played a few riffs. Then I pushed Brian away from the mike.

"Folks, I did not say anything about not waiting. A long engagement might be in order here... I think I should make him wait at least until he turns thirty."

Then, while everyone was laughing, I kissed him, and what began as a quick show of affection became a long, drawn-out event which had everyone cheering, and left me aroused and breathless. I broke free and spoke to the mike again. "On the other hand... is there a minister in the house?"

I hugged the vocalist before leading Brian down from the stage, and told her that I loved the band. Then we mingled, collecting congratulations, hugs and kisses, while the band offered their own best wishes and started up again.

When things calmed down a little, Brian and I sat with Bev and her friend Carrie. I thanked her for all of her effort. "You really are amazing," I said.

"Hey, I wouldn't go to this much effort for many straight women," she said. "You and Clarice are good friends. And it wasn't as bad as you'd think, this place is empty weeknights, and the band always likes new people to hear them. Clarice and Brian had the harder task, calling around inviting everyone." Then she nudged Carrie, and nodded at Brian. "So, that do you think? Would he be worth it?"

Carrie gave Brian a good look over, lips pursed. Then she shook her head. "Huh-uh." But she grinned as she said it.

Well, I think he's worth it. I hope I do, since we're now engaged.

God.

 

Friday seemed to pass in a daze. The only thing I really found I could focus on was my journal entry, which I started (of course) at about 4:30 a.m., and finished during the morning at work. My fuzziness had multiple causes - folks stopping by my office all day to ask me if I'd come to my senses, or sobered up (as if!); tiredness from about two hours' sleep; dreamy warm thoughts whenever I started thinking about Brian or the ring caught my eye.

I forced myself to concentrate on the two interviews. One went well, the other not so good. The first, Kelly, seemed confident and capable. I asked her some technical questions, and she handled them well, taking her time to think about the harder ones. I'll definitely recommend her to Terry for a follow-up.

The second, Charles, looked better from his resume, and had the all-important certificate issued by the company to whom we've pledged our IT soul. He interviewed well, he was confident and relaxed, but I started to get the impression that he was inventing answers. When I got to the technical part, he answered quickly, and wrong. I explained where he was in error, and he tried to twist the questions and make me responsible for his wrong answers... and he was good, if I had been a little less familiar with the material, he could have convinced me. But what I don't want from any of our people is problems that have to be resolved diplomatically rather than technically.

If there's a problem, you fix it. If it's not fixable, you figure out the parameters and come up with a different solution. You don't leave it and inform the one suffering the problem that he hadn't defined it correctly.

I've worked with people of this kind before. Many of them seem to be from one particular local (very large) company. Perhaps that's just because we're in a similar business, and most of our employees worked for this company at one point... but it does seem to me that "cover your ass" must have been a corporate philosophy. It seems that to survive in that company, one may never be wrong, however much the facts must be twisted to make the mistake vanish.

Sometimes these can be smart, capable individuals... and invariably I hate working with them. Usually because I'm the one responsible for putting right their errors, and I have to work listening to a constant stream of attempts at justification.

Anyway, I'm digressing, and I still have two days to catch up... but then, I'm still tired, and not thinking a hundred percent coherently, with everything that has been happening... And if I sound like I'm doing the same kind of rationalization, well, perhaps I feel that I'm occasionally justified, too :-)

But when all's said and done, I wouldn't want to work with Charles.

Clarice called. She wanted us to join Rob and her at Bennigan's, but I declined, I knew I'd be too tired. Then she invited us to her company picnic; when she had asked for an extra ticket for Rob, she learned that they had several spare, so she took two more for Brian and me. I figured I'd be able to wake up by Sunday, so I said yes to that one.

Friday night I fell asleep watching TV. Brian had to wake me for me to get ready for bed, and I was asleep again as soon as I lay down. And stayed asleep all of Friday night, but was still somewhat out of it yesterday.

I called my mother, to tell her the news... she seems pleased for me, of course she's worried that it's too soon (hell, so am I) and she wants to meet him (that part's scary, too...). But when your only daughter tells you she's getting married, that's a major event in your life.

"Is Robert there with you?" she wanted to know.

"Not right now, Mom, but he has a place nearby."

"Tell him to call me, I haven't heard from him since he moved. Is he looking after you okay?"

"Mom, I didn't need him to look after me while he was in California, why would I need it now?"

My conversations with my mother are fairly predictable. If she'd stop treating me as if I were a teenager, I'm sure we'd get along much better.

Last night, Brian took me to dinner, since he hadn't done so Thursday, and we dressed as we had then... slightly overdressed, perhaps, for the restaurant we had chosen, but not too much. It's a strange place, expensive but worth every penny, wonderful food and excellent service, but something of a schizoid character... waiters and waitresses dressed as penguins, the owner, in jeans and a western shirt, seating guests.

Brian ordered salmon, while I had lamb, which is hard to find around here... and especially as good as this.

"When do we start making plans?" he asked.

"I don't know, Brian," I answered. "Not today, or for the next few days, probably. I'm still having a hard time getting used to the idea."

"I hope you didn't mean what you said about making me wait four years."

"I don't think so, but I do want to give us time to be sure. I know what I want, but still, we've only been dating since March. And it isn't like there's any real need to hurry. You can't have any more of me when we're married than you do now, you know."

"That's true," he said. "I guess... I just want to make those official vows, to tell the world that I'm yours."

I grinned at him. "I think you did that Thursday, Brian."

Back home, he held me, and his lips made their wordless promises. I thought I'd be too tired to respond, but when he started to undress me I realized that I wasn't as tired as all that... And no, we don't need vows to give each other everything we are.

I guess seeing me update my journal this morning prompted Brian to catch up on my site. He didn't say anything until we were driving out to the picnic.

"I was... reading your journal this morning."

"Oh?"

"Would you have ever told me about Keith?"

"Oh. I don't know. Why? Are you upset?"

"Uhh... well... not to put too fine a point on it, yes. Do people normally get so involved with attractive strangers?"

Perhaps if I'd seen this coming, I'd have been able to control my temper better. As it was, I was angry. "I don't know, Brian, I'm not people, I'm me. You know what I'm like. I'm promised to you. I was promised to you before Thursday. Isn't that enough?"

"If things had been different, would you have slept with him?"

"What kind of question is that? If things had been different? If I weren't in love? If I hadn't promised you I'd be faithful? If we weren't dating? Yes, I would. I thought I made that clear."

"You did. Am I supposed to like that?"

"Like what? That I kissed him? That I enjoyed it? That I didn't do what I wanted with him for your sake?"

"There's the thing. You wanted to."

"And I didn't, and I wouldn't. Doesn't that mean anything?"

"Does it?"

"Goddammit, Brian. Listen. You kissed Clarice, naked, no less, that first night in the spa. Now tell me honestly that if things weren't different, you wouldn't have been doing the nasty with her in seconds. Remember, I saw the results."

"That's different," he argued. "Clarice isn't a stranger."

"So which is more likely? That I'll lose my resolve to a guy I may see at a convention, or that you'll slip with someone you see three times a week for the rest of your life?"

"That's unfair."

"You're damn right it's unfair. Why should I trust you? Am I stupid because I do? Because I love you, and I know you wouldn't do that? Is that stupid?"

"No, it isn't."

"OK, so tell me you didn't enjoy kissing Clarice, and that you won't ever do it again."

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"Oh, shit." I felt deflated as the argument suddenly seemed silly. "No, that isn't what I want. I do trust you, Brian. And you can fantasize all you like about Clarice, because I know that's all it will be. Just like my fantasies about Keith."

He thought for a while. He seemed to be calming, too. "So it was a fantasy?"

"I kissed him. I certainly did think about going further, I'd be lying if I said it didn't appeal to me. But I wouldn't do it. And I don't think you're any different. I've seen your head swivel when a big-breasted bimbo bounces by."

Mock-hurt: "Hey, they're not all bimbos."

"Busted!" I said, then grinned, and reached out to squeeze his thigh.

Pretty soon we arrived at the rendezvous. We'd arranged to meet Clarice in a parking lot near the picnic site. She arrived no more than ten minutes late, handed us our tickets through the window, and drove on. The picnic was being held at a local amusement park, a place I've only been one time, since it's a fairly long way from me, and not particularly interesting; more of a family place than fun for a single girl.

It's also expensive, but the tickets allowed unlimited rides, pool access, paddle boats and miniature golf.

First was the company part, food and games. Other than Rob and Clarice, the only people I knew there were Bev and Carrie, who was there as Bev's guest. I partnered with Carrie for the egg toss, and Bev with Brian - I don't really know why it worked out that way, but we did well. Brian and Bev didn't, he missed a catch early on and got egg splattered all over his tee shirt, but Carrie and I were the next to last, when I overthrew the egg slightly, and it smashed in Carrie's hand.

After the company events, Clarice, Rob, Brian and I tried the pool, but it was too cold and too shallow to be much fun, so we didn't stay long... but after drying, the air wasn't cold, so we stayed in our swimsuits for the rest of the day. Clarice and I almost made ourselves sick on the Tilt-A-Whirl, but Brian still talked me into the wheel - I don't remember what it's called, but it has cages which turn completely over. Brian seemed intrigued by the way gravity tried to suck my breasts out of my swimsuit when upside down...

Then the miniature golf. And golf is supposed to be a man's game :-) I won the final tally, Clarice just a couple of strokes more than me, and Brian and Rob tying five strokes higher than her. Of course, Brian blamed his miserable performance on being distracted, but he only lost his attention when Clarice or I made a shot, so it was a lame excuse.

We ate in the area with Rob, Clarice, and Bev and Carrie, who found us towards the end of the miniature golf round. I wasn't sure last Thursday whether Carrie was just an acquaintance of Bev, or something closer, but they're fairly obviously very fond of each other, and I'm very pleased for Bev... and hoping, too, that it doesn't mean she'll drift away from Clarice and me. Carrie has almost as sharp a tongue as Bev, though she's unlike her in almost every way physically... she must be six inches taller than Bev, redheaded, almost a caricature of a male fantasy. Shows how little looks have to do with the inner woman, I guess.

On the drive home, Brian picked up the thread from earlier.

"I think I need to stop reading your diary."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I think it's giving me the wrong view of you. It's... like... okay for you to open yourself up like that to your readers, I think... but... lovers learn from each other, not by reading each others' private words. If I read something that you don't tell me, because you don't think I'd be interested, say, I wonder why you're hiding it. Or I ask you about something that you're not ready to talk about. Or... sometimes, I read what you've written about me, and... I'm not saying its wrong, but I feel like I can't live up to your expectations. It's intimidating. I think, if you could look inside my head and see how I feel about you, you might be scared in the same way. I don't think we're made for that."

I contemplated what he said for a while. Then, "Yeah," I said, "I think I understand that. If it's coming between us, you can stop reading and learn to trust me, or I can stop writing. It's your call."

"I don't need to learn to trust you, Helen, I already do. Keep writing."

"Okay, lover," I said.

 

I mentioned on the BBS (see message titled "Where am I?") that I was feeling burned out. Which is why there has been no update since Sunday. It isn't that I haven't been busy, I have, but that isn't the main reason I haven't been keeping my journal up to date. It's just after all the huge long entries and everything that has been happening, I gave myself a short break... nothing much of world-shattering import has happened - in my life, at least - and I couldn't raise the enthusiasm for writing when it didn't seem to be required.

What has happened since Sunday? Hmm... mainly work-related stuff. I interviewed several more, passed two more names onto Terry, and we have extended offers to Kelly and Karen, whom I interviewed Tuesday this week. Which is not to say that those were the only interviews, I've been doing that most of this week, but if Mss K and K accept their offers, I'll be happy. I wonder how Larry will feel about being the only guy in what has traditionally been an all-male occupation.

Things seem to have settled between Brian and me after Sunday's argument. I think mentioning Clarice was the clincher, because it's pretty obvious he finds her attractive, for all his fine words about being "safe". And that's okay, because she is, and he wouldn't be normal if she didn't turn him on. And I know I can trust him, and he knows that I know, etc., so he now has a basis on which to trust me.

Haven't seen Rob and Clarice, though I've talked to them both on the phone. We're going to get together tomorrow at the mall. Rob has been insanely busy with his new job, and he's finally getting around to feeling at home here. He needs some new clothes and a tie (imagine! :-) so we figured a shopping trip was a good excuse to get together.

The other Cannas in the yard are following the lead of the early one, and I have three actively flowering, and probably twenty throwing up flower spikes, so they're going to be beautiful. The ones currently in bloom are two bright flame-red and one yellow with a red-orange center. And a pair of house finches has made a nest in a hanging basket. Their eggs hatched last weekend, and there are two fluffy house finch chicks sprawled on the bottom, still too small to move independently, but looking healthy... I've always liked house finches. Of course, for color we have plenty of cardinals, but house finches are subtler. (If you haven't seen house finches, they're like small sparrows, the female light brown, the male with a red head and breast.)

Plenty of storms this week for my silly fat cat. Between Selky's warm soft fur on my legs and Brian's rougher-but-snuggly beard on my face, all's right with the world. His beard is looking really good now, very thick, he has started trimming it short. He still complains about itching.

One more item of note from work: the "ExporeZip" worm caused us headaches today with new virus scanner updates and needing to inform everyone, but because it came by surprise, we didn't have all the extra baggage we suffered with Melissa with everyone and his brother wanting to email us a warning (and didn't have a network crash!). Everyone seemed pleased that everything ran smoothly, but then we only learned about the worm last night, so none of the veeps had time to panic.

I think I need to stop this entry here. Someone just started nuzzling my neck, and I don't think he's going to give me chance to upload this entry.

But I'm not complaining. Not even when his beard tickles my ear... ooohh...

:-)